You might be sexually attracted to that person if…
- You think sexual thoughts about the person out of nowhere
- You feel aroused upon seeing the person outside of a sexual setting
- You find yourself wondering what the person is like in bed and what their genitals look like
- You want to have sex with that person because your body is screaming for sex with that one person in particular.
- Seriously though if you’re already horny and that person is there you will feel all hot and sexually aroused and might drool a bit and fantasies of doing X-rated things to that person will fly through your mind and your body will literally be screaming for that person to take you or for you to take that person. Even just thinking about that person while horny can do this to you.
- TMI but if you get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, the orgasms can be absolutely mind-blowing and may even give you leg cramps.
- You really do “just know.”
You might not be sexually attracted to that person if…
- You make a conscious effort to fantasize about sex with that person, mainly to see if you actually want to
- You feel aroused during a sexual situation, but that arousal has more to do with the activities instead of the specific person. Alternatively, you just don’t feel aroused at all.
- You feel aroused at random, but it’s directed towards no one
- You want to have sex with that person because you want to make them happy or are just horny and want to get off with a partner or want babies or want money or literally any other reason aside from your body screaming for sex with that one person in particular.
- TMI but if you try to get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, you may get bored and start thinking of other things. Or, you may start fantasizing about that person doing sexual things that don’t involve you in which case aegosexual might be worth looking into.
- You just don’t know.
If the “you might be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly asexual.
If the “you might not be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly not asexual.
If you can relate to the “might not be sexually attracted” list, but also feel like you’ve experienced some of the things on the “might be sexually attracted” list, it may be worth checking out some acespec identities.
(Disclaimer: This is strictly based off of my own experiences as acespec and is meant to be a guide for people questioning sexual attraction. Overall, you know yourself best and I’m not gonna tell you what you’re feeling or how to identify.)
These types of lists are always so helpful!
A big one too, I think is, you may fantasize, but the people in your fantasies are never YOU. They’re fictional characters or your OCs but they’re never you specifically. And if they are it’s an idealized version of you.
That top list makes me realize I’ve never experienced any of that, it’s kinda like when I stumbled into an ask Reddit about what sexual attraction felt like and I went “yeah, I have never felt THAT way and whatever I feel isn’t sexual attraction”
here it is, the info I’ve always wanted to see, breaking down attraction vs not-attraction in intense, analytical detail
Here’s a few more for aces who do experience aesthetic attraction and who aren’t repulsed, because goodness knows these are the ones that confused me when I was figuring things out.
If you have sexual fantasies that involve things being in a certain situation or having things done to you, but you aren’t visualizing anything or imagining specific people, you might not experience sexual attraction
If you’ve ever had the thought “masturbation is better than sex because it is more efficient and skips the boring bits,” you might not experience sexual attraction.
If you find someone attractive, but the thought of seeing them with their clothes off isn’t more attractive, it probably isn’t sexual attraction. (A naked body is just a naked body. But people are so lovely when in a look they’ve picked out to express themselves.)
If you occasionally notice body parts considered sexual and think they look nice, but do not want to do anything sexual related to those parts, it might not be sexual attraction. (I will occasionally think someone has nice boobs or a nice butt, and I assumed that was sexual attraction for a long time. But I’ve learned that for allo people, thinking those things leads to them having a response of “therefore I want to tap that” which is absolutely baffling to me. Also, again, those thoughts don’t lead to “and therefore I want to see them without clothing.”
If your response to something that seems to be making others horny is very similar to your response to those videos of “oddly satisfying” things, it might not be sexual attraction.
Hey so did you know, that gender socialization has absolutely NOTHING to do with your actual gender identity?
If you’re AFAB, you were raised with the socializations that are given to women in your culture. If you’re AMAB, you were raised with the socializations that were given to men in your culture.
NONE OF THIS discounts or undermines your gender identity.
But saying to a trans woman “hey, maybe the fact you feel this amount of aggressive/impulsive instinct might have something to do with the people who raised you assuming you were a boy and thus teaching you the usual responses that they wanted cis boys to have? That experience MAY mean that you have a slightly different experience than AFAB people with regards to womanhood and shit.”??? if you say ANY of that, you’re somehow transphobic. Even if all you’re trying to do is start a conversation that acknowledges that some people react to things differently.
Socialization is a thing. It’s just not a thing in the way that TERFs want it to be. But bringing that socialization up does not immediately equate to TERF/radfem bullshit. And I would really like it if my fellow trans people would fucking understand that.
I’m a queer autistic trans man, and I’m here to AGREE wholeheartedly.
I am a man. Nothing changes that. But you know what? I was raised with the expectation that I was female, and that absolutely affects how I respond to situations and emotions, and even how I act!
- I apply to jobs “like a woman”, e.g. only if I’m 100% qualified (I’m working on this)
- I have a much better handle on my emotions than my cis brothers, both because I’m older and because I was expected to regulate my emotions (this is very obviously a raising thing - my stepbrother and stepfather are way worse about emotional regulation because they didn’t have my mom helping them like my brother and I did)
- I am far more physically affectionate than either of my cis brothers because “women” are socialized to be more physically affectionate
- If a customer gets mad at me, my reaction is to defer and give them what they want, rather than stand my ground
- I “see” more of the mess around the house (I take over chore assignment when Mom doesn’t have time)
- I’m very aware of the emotional state of those around me
Now. Are any of these “female” traits? No, of course not. Are these traits emphasized in me because I was “socialized” female? Yes! We absorb the expectations and reactions of people around us as we grow and change.
Does any of this make me less of a man? Shit no. I’m a man, and that’s that. But ignoring my socialization undermines who I am, how I got here, and a lot of my identity struggles. We can’t have a complete, nuanced conversation without talking about that.
TERFs, fuck off. I’m quick with the block button, and I better not see any clowning in the notes.
Socialisation/raising is such a *thing*. And it’s a weird one for me to look at, because whilst I’d say that society wanted to view me as female, I feel like there was no difference between the way me and my siblings were raised by our parents. So I can vibe with some ‘raised female’ things but in general I’d say I was raised pretty neutrally. Whilst I see some of my friends (cis and trans, male and female and not and confused) grappling with difficulties related to the gendered expectations placed on then as kids.
Like, maybe being “raised neutrally” has some impact on the way I’m like “but what is a gender, I don’t have that box” now (side note: my mum’s gender is entirely tied to motherhood. Like, for her, being a woman is so tied to having and raising kids, and that’s kinda it).
Socialisation has ties to gender from how it’s pushed on us/tied to how people view gender, but it’s definitely not tied in to what your gender/identity actually is… It’s an exciting new aspect in this puzzle we call “but who am I”.
i totally agree. i think maybe it’s important to use the language of ‘socialisation towards femininity’ rather than ‘women’s socialisation’ (not that anyone here did but in general) both to avoid sounding like a terf and triggering trans peoples ‘block and avoid’ defence mechanism, and to just be more accurate, but once we’re using the right words i think it’s an a important conversation to have…
that is squirrel food as well also. you put it out into your backyard which is the squirrels houses as well. in what sense is that not food for the squirrel. cop mindset honestly i do not trust it
putting a tasty pastrami sandwich outside but the plate says ONLY FOR VIRGOS
i want to go home. i will always want to go home. even when i am at home i want to go home. but i’m not really thinking of a place, it’s more that feeling of everything finally being over, of seeing the light in the windows of your house on a cold night, of being safe, the relief of leaving a party you’re not enjoying, like when you felt sick at school and they sent you home, or when you got upset at a sleepover and they called your parents. i want my mam to come get me. i want to go home.
elizabeth wurtzel, prozac nation // lorde, ribs // maggie stiefvater, the dream thieves // billie marten, red sea blue sea
karen russell, st. lucy’s home for girls raised by wolves
